Why I Wasn’t Afraid of Getting Sexually Assaulted in College, Part 2

I recently wrote a Part 1, to which some anonymous stranger wrote an interesting comment.  I had so much to say in reply that I decided it deserved a whole post of it’s own.  Here is what “Amanda” said:

It is fantastic that you are comfortable with who you are, and that who you are is someone who is religious, teetotaling, and conservative(ish) of garb and behavior. However, the world is a big and diverse place, and as you know, there are as many ways to experience it as there are people.

Basic morality checkboxes aside, your habits and likes are no more legitimate than those of party animals, surfers, ravers, or any other less buttoned-down subculture. What you’re espousing is not common sense prevention–it is perpetuating the unfair redistribution of the burden of preventing assault back to victims. Despite your statement to the contrary, your basic message is that women should behave, dress, and conduct themselves to avoid attracting the attention of harassers. Is that really any different than the antiquated “she was asking for it” mentality rebranded slightly to be palatable to the modern ear? Women who want to show skin, drink alcohol, talk loud, and party hard deserve exactly as much respect as those who choose not to partake.

I rarely respond to blog posts simply because it’s worthless to get involved in flame wars with faceless internet people with whom I disagree. However, you seem smart and thoughtful, and despite our radically different worldviews, I thought I might have a fighting at shot changing your mind.

Would you consider the possibility that your post may be unintentionally advocating for some women to make themselves small to accommodate a culture that is too tolerant of some men’s appalling behavior? Thanks for reading.

 

Dear Amanda,

First of all, thank you for such a thoughtful and respectful response.  I not only expect, but welcome critiques of the ideas I present.  I am the absolute first to admit that I have very little figured out in life (if anything), and often feel overwhelmed at the idea of trying to understand the world as it really is.  My posts help me verbalize the conceptual progress I’ve made in trying to grapple with complex issues, and critical responses (like yours) do a great job of bringing to light ways I need to refine my understanding.

First, I will address the idea of my habits or ideas being no more or less legitimate than others.  I have to be honest in saying that I do personally believe they are more legitimate, and that is why I choose them.  However, this “legitimacy” has nothing to do with deservingness of being the victim of sexual assault.  In other words, the way one behaves (alcohol consumption, manner of dress, social habits) should not increase the likelihood of sexual misconduct. My actions and the actions of others are equally legitimate in the sense that the expectation of safety while engaged in these particular actions should be the same.

The phrase “unfair redistribution of the burden” caught my eye, particularly the term “unfair”.  Picture this scenario:  I decide to leave my wallet on the seat of my car in a poorly lit area that has a lot of foot traffic.  Also, I leave all 4 windows completely rolled down.  When I get my wallet stolen, everyone will tell me that I was “asking” for it.

What was the burden I had to bear in order for me not to be “asking for it”?  I would have had to roll up my windows and carry my wallet with me, or maybe even just stick it in the glove compartment.  Not particularly burdensome.

But in order for a woman to minimize her chances of sexual assault, she must conform to a number of different lifestyle habits.  Basically, she would have to live a lot like me.  And no, I don’t think that anybody should have to live like me for the sake of not getting raped.  That would be an unfair burden, whereas taking precautions to keep your wallet from getting stolen really do not present any significant burden.

Is this what you mean?  Are we on the same page?

Also, I never want to advocate that women should make themselves feel small to accommodate the culture.  I actually want to be an example of a woman who is making herself big (my blog is one of the main ways I do that), so that hopefully I can invite other women to “live out loud” and walk with confidence.  I also do not want to encourage women to walk in fear, but to walk in love for self and others.  This brings me to a very important point- I live the way I live because I want to.  So I get to “live big” and feel and generally be safe at the same time.  However, if another women adopted my lifestyle for the sake of not being assaulted, she would not be living big, but living small as a result of being in fear.  That should not be expected of anyone.  And yes, maybe I was unintentionally advocating this.

In regards to the “party” lifestyle, it has always been my intuition that, generally, it brings more sadness than happiness, and more frustration than joy.  And I have suspected this sense before I was committed to teetotaling, sexual abstinence, or my current religious affiliation.  I also think that many college-aged women adopt the party lifestyle simply because that is what most everyone else is doing, and offers the path of least resistance for having fun and meeting people.  I guess that what I am suggesting is that maybe there are women who actually would find happiness and fulfillment in living more similarly to the way I do, and would thus not have to be made small in order to prevent sexual assault.  I feel that a sober and chaste life has MUCH to offer, a feeling of sexual safety being one of its perks.

I hope that you find my response as thoughtful and respectful as your was.  I still stand behind my first post, but you have brought me to an awareness of some of the underlying issues that were not expressed.  I do hope to hear your response.

Thank you,

The Preppy Panda

 

 

Being Honest About the “Gay Problem”

Upon joining the Church, I quickly learned that one of the people who had been most influential in my conversion was gay.  He was very active in the Church, coming from a very active, large, mostly typical LDS family.

We bonded over our different marginalizations- me being so new, and him being gay.  We both had a deep and sincere desire to be faithful and believing, and we both struggled at times to be so.  His friendship was a great blessing to me- I felt that I could tell him anything.  I hope that my friendship was a blessing to him as well.

But it’s a tricky course to navigate.  I knew that I believed in the Church, which taught that homosexual actions were unequivocally wrong.  I knew that I believed in the importance of the family and that gay couplehood did not fit into my picture of ideal familial life.  But I also knew that my friend was honestly attracted to men, and I knew that he didn’t choose to be so.  I knew that he tried for years to “pray the gay away” (it doesn’t work, FYI).  I knew that he was doing just about everything one is “supposed to” when attempting to rid themselves of an affliction or temptation.  And, although I professed to believe the opposite, I knew those things would never work.  The atonement can heal us physically and spiritually, give us strength, and refine our natures.  But it does not turn gay people straight.

I campaigned for California Proposition 8 in 2008.  I don’t really care if gay marriage is legal or not, and I didn’t really care then either.  But we received a letter from the First Presidency asking us to donate our means and our time to help it pass, and I did what i was asked.  For me it was about following the prophet, not about the “sanctity” of marriage.  When the Proposition passed, I felt relieved- not because it had been successful, but because then I would be free to go back to not caring about the issue.  I don’t feel bad about my involvement in that campaign, but I don’t feel good about it either.

My friend cut ties from the Church a few years out of high school.  This was a hard revelation for me, as he had been so paramount in the early development of my testimony.  I didn’t want to be Mormon without the support of one of my very dearest friends.  It is shaking when people stop believing, or when people stop pretending to believe.

I was, at first, uninterested in knowing about his “gay” life.  I still loved him, enjoyed him, and wanted him to be happy, but I didn’t feel like I could love the “gay” part of him.  I felt that it wasn’t part of who he really was, and the last thing I wanted to do was encourage it.  I found out that he had a steady boyfriend and did not want to know anything about him or about their relationship.

I don’t know what prompted it, but I can still remember the moment that I decided that I was okay with him being gay.  I realized that his boyfriend at the time was not the enemy- I realized that there was no “enemy”.  I wanted to know about their life together- not because I was in support of their relationship exactly- but because one of them was my friend, and anyone who mattered to him should matter to me.  Once I stopped feeling like I had to oppose their relationship in thought, word, and deed, I finally felt like I could just relax.

Even if I believe that homosexuality is immoral, what does it have to do with me if other people are active in a gay lifestyle?  If I know a couple who is having premarital sex, I don’t avoid acknowledging the entirety of their relationship, even though I may not support certain aspects of it.  And here is, in my opinion, one of our big cultural flaws when it comes to how we see homosexuality- given that homosexuality is sinful (for the sake of argument), we tend to define people who partake in it by that sin, as opposed to other sins, where we see people just as “dealing” with something.  For example, if I broke the word of wisdom by smoking pot, I don’t think people would label me as a “pothead”, destined to a life of munching and being mellow.  Smoking pot would be seen as a choice, not as a natural result of my very nature.  But in the LDS culture, we tend to act as if people who are gay are only gay- that it defines them, and that when thinking of them, the fact that they like other people of their same gender, should be the basis of our attitude towards them.  Being gay does not define anybody any more than being straight does.

So I learned about his boyfriend, and then their break-up, and then his new boyfriend.  I never was interested in their sex life…but I’m not interested in anybody’s sex life.

I always pictured, though, that my friend would come to me one day and invite me to his gay wedding.  I would then be obligated to express love for him, and good-will towards his partner, but decline the invitation.  it’s one thing to support people, it is another thing to support a ceremony that is directly symbolic of sin, after all.

Last year I met the man he planned on marrying.  And he is so wonderful- his fiance was kind, down-to-earth, grounded, and genuine.  He seemed to be not only a great complement for my friend, but someone who would be a great blessing to him.  I am grateful that they have found each other.

They were married in July.  I didn’t go.  I didn’t go because I was broke and was already obligated to take a few different our of state trips.  But I very much wanted to be there.  After all the years of preparing myself to tell him I didn’t want to be at his wedding, when it came down to it, I found myself tired of “standing up” for something that I didn’t even understand.  And my love for him and his now husband had a much greater pull on my heart than my allegiance to the idea of the traditional family.

This is not a proclamation that the LDS Church should redact it’s teachings on homosexuality.  It is also not a statement that homosexual actions are morally acceptable.

I do believe whole-hardheartedly in the teachings of the Church.  I do believe that God is very serious about the Law of Chastity and that one cannot keep that law while leading a gay lifestyle.  I do believe that families are meant to be our source of greatest happiness and that they cannot be formed or maintained with a homosexual couple the way they can be maintained with a heterosexual couple.

But I know that people don’t choose to be gay.  And asking them to live a complete life of celibacy seems like an order too tall for anybody to reasonably expect.

So this is my problem- I know what I believe, but the things I believe don’t quite match up right.  I think that most compassionate, thinking members of the church have this same problem to some degree- not supporting homosexuality, but also not feeling right away denying the opportunity to find love to those who are gay.

There really are no “good” options for a gay member of the church.  Life-long celibacy is not a good option.   Marrying a woman for the sake of having a family is not a good option.  Living a life of sin is also not a good option.

Whenever I declare that I support the Church’s teaching on homosexuality, I do it with a pang of “I’m so sorry” in my soul.

I have a handful of gay friends who grew up in the church.  I have a handful of other friends who I suspect are gay but have not yet admitted it.  One thing I want to apologize publicly for is if I have ever made any of these friends (or anybody else) feel like being gay made them less loved, less important, or less valuable to God or to the Church.  I don’t want any young man (or woman) to EVER feel “defective” for any reason, including being gay.

All I know is that I have a problem, a “gay problem”, and that I have no answers.  I want to do right by God, and I want to do right by my fellow man, and this is the only issue wherein I feel like I can’t quite do both.  Help me feel know how to feel like a good Christian and a good person at the same time.

 

 

 

Gravy, Grilling, and Why I Love Mormon Men

Shortly after my baptism, a Young Women’s leader invited me to her home to view my very first general conference with her family (herself, her husband, and three young children).  She told me they would be having a big breakfast and watching church in their pajamas- my very first introduction to the custom I would participate in for the rest of my life.

Upon arriving at her home, she answered the door and we engaged in a few moments of polite conversation about her house, my Friday night, you know, the usual.  But something seemed amiss.  I could smell breakfast cooking (I still remember that scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits and gravy had been on the menu- and it smelled delicious) and kept anticipating her needing to scoot back to her kitchen to keep something from burning.  The sound of clanking kitchen tools then caught my attention- she wasn’t needing to worry about the eggs getting rubbery because someone else was doing the cooking.  “That’s strange,”  I thought, “She’s right here, her kids are too young to be in charge of a meal, and I didn’t think anyone else had been invited.”

After a few more moments, we migrated enough that the kitchen and it’s workings became visible, and what  I saw shocked me enough that I couldn’t keep from expressing my surprise.

“I didn’t know Mormon men cooked!”

There was her husband, with a towel over his shoulder, perhaps in an apron, stirring the gravy.

I am a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but I really didn’t think Mormon men cooked, or cleaned, or cared much to help with the children in any kind of “housewife” way.  You may be surprised that I was willing to join a church where (I thought) the men were so unwilling to deviate from gender roles, but maybe we can just take it as a sign that I really did join the church for God, and not for guys.

The couple giggled at my surprise and the conversation moved on.  I have since learned that Mormon men do, in fact, cook.  And they fold the laundry, and take the noisy babies out of sacrament meeting, and do any other imaginable thing that needs to be done.

Now I don’t consider cooking, cleaning, or caring for children to be actions that make a man extra-special.  I expect any good man to be completely willing to do anything that needs to be done to help care for his home or his family, and I was raised with a father who, while being the primary breadwinner, cleaned and cooked regularly, without expectation of recognition or applause.

The thing that I love so much about Mormon men is not that they are willing to cook meals for their family- it is that they seem to be willing to do just about anything that needs to be done for anybody.  And they don’t do it to be self-serving- they simply do it because it needs to be done.

There are a lot of common positive attributes shared by LDS men- they’re hard-working, they’re kind, they’re self-regulating, they’re ambitious, and they’re valiant.  But the attribute of being willing to take personal responsibility in a broad spectrum of situations is what endears them most to me.

I once attended a “Linger Longer” at a singles ward in Utah- basically, an excuse to talk, eat, and generally not go home after church ends.  That day we were eating burgers, and they were delicious.  As I was walking to my car, I noticed the two young men standing at the grill, wearing suits and aprons, flipping burgers so that everyone inside could enjoy the fruits of their labors.  I remember there being snow on the ground and that it was cold- much too cold for them to be comfortable.  I’m sure these boys were thanked for their work (I certainly did), but I also know that many people enjoyed those burgers without acknowledging them or even being aware of what they were doing.  And that’s okay- they weren’t standing outside in the cold making our food for praise- they were just doing it because it needed to be done.  And they were doing it happily.

I had a vision of sorts in that parking lot that day.  I pictured them standing in front of a grill, in the cold, in their suits, with everyone else in the warm church building filling their bellies, for the rest of their lives.  Or maybe they are cleaning cheerios off of pews, or giving the young man in an other-wise inactive family rides to church for years and years, or jumping up to pass out the hymnbooks, or scraping the ice off of their wife’s car before she is even awake.

Maybe this characteristic of personal responsibility is so impressive to me because it stands on stark contrast to what the media tells us we should expect of men- that they are carnal, lazy, and only take care of business when they grow tired of the naggings of their wife.  I hope that no woman has accepted this as what she should expect of her man, and I hope no man has accepted this as what he should expect of himself.

Now, I know that there are LDS men who are complete jerks, to whom my admiration is not applied.  I also understand that I am being extremely general in describing a large and diverse population.  And maybe at some time in the future I will highlight one of the general flaws I’ve observed among Mormon men.  But with all of my women-centered ranting and raving, I need to make sure that people know that not only am I not a “man-hater”, but that I am a “man-lover”, in every sense of the word.  I love them, I admire them, and in total candidness, I need them.

I know that there are good men of every faith and of no faith at all, but my experience is with the Mormon ones, and I’ve never witnessed evidence that there is any better collective group.

I want to send a special message to the young single men of the Church: Please continue in faith and in devotion.  Your goodness and your efforts are being noticed.  Romantically, you are not “needed” by women, but you are so, so very wanted by them.  Nothing inspires me to be obedient, gentle, or devoted like the influence of a priesthood holder who is serious about the gospel.

Thanks, boys.  You’re amazing.

Not Just to Young Men Only: On Being a Girl With a Porn Problem

On October 2, 1976, Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles addressed the men and young men of the Church in the the priesthood session of general conference.  That talk, titled “To Young Men Only” would gain a permanence in the church, being printed and distributed to young men in leaflet form for years to come.  The topic was chastity, with a specific call to abstain from the sins of masturbation and homosexuality.

This address has come under criticism from members and non-members, and surely the language used is different than what we would hear from the pulpit in the present day.  My aim, however, is not to disagree with the content of the talk but to call into question the prevalent attitude reflected in the very title- that issues of a sexual nature are of a concern for men, and for men only.

Pornography has been a hot topic for the past several years, as it should be.  Pornography is as evil as it is ensnaring.  It plays on the most sensitive human vulnerabilities and pollutes one’s self-control, self-worth, and self-confidence.  It dissolves familial trust and can cause the building blocks of a marriage to tumble.  Also, the treatment of women in the porn industry is positively deplorable.  (Can you imagine showing up to a regular day of work to be told how and with whom you are going to have sex with?)

They say that men are more responsive to images than women, and I am willing to accept that as generally true.  I am also willing to accept the idea that men are generally more sexually driven then women.  What I am not willing to accept though, in fact, what I know to not be true, is that women are sexless beings, so filled to the brim with virtue that sexual temptation only comes when it is to feel the love of a man, and never because women are themselves sexual.  Sexual feelings and temptations are normal for people in general, and shouldn’t they be?  If choosing chastity is one of the greatest signs of spiritual strength and self-mastery, then wouldn’t we all need to find ourselves at a place where that choice is not an easy one?

Why then, do we teach young men about pornography so differently than we teach young women?  Young men are frequently spoken to about pornography.  Most, if not all, of church-produced media on the issue choose males as the people with the struggle, and females who are influenced only indirectly, through the sins of their husbands and fathers.  Young men are typically given, along with the warning against sin, the affirmation that sexuality is in their nature, and that it is normal and acceptable to feel tempted.  On the other hand, young women (youth and YSA groups alike) sit in lessons that teach us how to deal with our boyfriend’s use of porn, not our own.  (I fully support the former, as a woman who is not addicted to porn but has dated porn users, but I am sure there have been girls in those classes who could have greatly benefited from a discussion on the latter.)  There has never been a general Relief Society or Young Women’s general talk on pornography, and sex is typically danced around very generally, with the seeming assumption that our goodness makes us immune to such things.

Some personal examples of how I’ve witnessed this attitude in other Latter-day Saints:

• When I posted a request over social media to talk to women for whom this is an issue, a male friend replied that women didn’t struggle with porn, unless it was because of their husband’s or boyfriends struggle.
• Once, at the inference that only boys wanted to look at porn, I piped up with, “or girls, they can struggle too.”  A young teenage girl in the room looked at me, bewildered and said, “girls can get addicted to porn?!”
• I had a roommate in college who didn’t even know that women were ABLE to masturbate.

So imagine then, if you are a young woman who struggles with a pornography addiction (any kind of sinful sexual habit, really).   Here are two accounts of young women in the church who have struggled.

Jakilynne’s* Story:

The first time I saw pornography I was in 7th grade, so 12 or 13 when a male friend I was chatting with online showed it to me.  The transition from this first incident to it becoming a major issue in my life is kind of a blur, but once I saw it, it was like I “had” to see it again.  I had never felt those feelings or excitement in my body/brain before, and I liked the way it felt.  It was captivating, in a completely overpowering way.I thought I was the only one [the only woman with a porn habit].  I felt very alone, and honestly like I was a freak, I mean, I had my first orgasm before I had my first kiss.

I think church members could be a little bit more understanding, and remember that sin is not gender specific.
I think people in general are pretty uncomfortable talking about porn.  Any time there is a lesson on chastity, it’s like, “let’s just mention this porn thing because we should.”  I guess it’s just that people are uncomfortable, and I’m not about to raise my hand and share my personal experience on the topic.

I think people in general are more open to the idea that women struggle with this issue.  But maybe not that it’s anyone they know.

I have told very few people about this struggle.  I’ve thought about telling friends, but I have been in conversations with friends (girlfriends) and heard comments like “I just don’t understand how someone can be addicted to porn, it’s just so nasty, I just don’t get it.”

My bishop was the first person I ever told.  It took several years before I confessed because I had felt too ashamed. I had held a calling in my ward, been to the temple, and had been taking the sacrament, and I was extremely fearful of what would happen if I confessed. And at that time, there wasn’t much talk of women having issues with porn.

Telling your male bishop that you have this struggle with pornography, you kind of think, “how is this man going to understand where I’m coming from?” or “he is going to think I am some sort of sex heathen since I have this problem that ‘only men’ struggle with…that women aren’t supposed to have this problem.”  But none of my bishops have acted that way- they have all been extremely sympathetic in their understanding of how addictive it can be.

When I decided to confess it was because I saw it as an opportunity to see if the atonement was real and if it could really work in my life, like I had heard people testify of for my entire life.  I took a leap of faith and found that the Atonement does work and can enable you to change.   It still requires my best effort, and just because I might slip up, it doesn’t mean the atonement doesn’t work.

To other women who are struggling my advice is that there is no need to try and overcome this on your own.  There is nothing weak about seeking help.  Seek help immediately, do not procrastinate.  If you procrastinate, more than likely you will become engulfed in pornography, which is what Satan wants.  Don’t lose sight that you are His precious daughter and that you are of great worth.

 

Khristyna’s* Story:

I was with some friends and we followed a pop up when I was 12 or 13.  It would come and go it wasn’t like I would watch everyday.I like to pretend like I had some sort f control but I totally would isolate myself and volunteer to stay home alone so I could watch porn.  It is the most addictive thing in the world in my opinion. I didn’t think it was a big deal until it escalated things. It lead to a desire for promiscuity and the breaking of the law of chastity further

I would hear about it in church all the time, but I would just brush it off and justify it, making it seem like it was the same thing as how some members choose not to drink caffeine and some do. I blocked It out for the most part, to be completely honest. Someone at church brings up porn and my ears just shut off.

I was still in my teens when my mom caught me.  She was totally shocked, disappointed and confrontational.

I’ve only told 2 friends and my bishop. Bringing it up and talking to my bishop was horrendous…. Like not only was it embarrassing but it wasn’t exactly something I ever even thought women struggled with!  I thought I was a weirdo for watching porn. I feel like there is such a heavy burden on a woman’s virtue and not so much a man’s… that the attitude is definitely kind of  like “oh you’re a whore stop watching that” and then when it’s boys “boys will be boys”. People should realize that porn isn’t just a boy or mans issue that it effects women… and don’t alienate people that share.

I first talked to my bishop just last year, when I decided that I really wanted to be temple worthy.  That meeting consisted of a lot of cry and feeling like the most useless human being ever.  I felt this way because I wasn’t the cookie cutter I didn’t fit the mold and I didn’t ever think to apply the atonement But my bishop was amazing.  He helped me utilize the atonement and I regained a lot of my self-worth.  I have been porn-free for several months now.

 

There are (at least) three negative consequences that come when we do not acknowledge that women have issues with porn:

1. The women who do struggle feel especially embarrassed and overwhelmed, often feeling like they are some kind of a freak.
2. This feeling of embarrassment keeps them from seeking out the help they need, perpetuating the cycle
3. Because they tend not to be vocal, people are generally less aware that it is an issue, and resources are not provided for women in the same way they are provided for men.
4. Women, especially young women, even those who are not trapped in any kind of sinful sexual habit, associate sexual urges with feelings of guilt, since we do not validate sexual temptation in young women.

It is kind of a cycle- women are not open about their situations because they think they are the only one.  And they think they are the only one because nobody else is being open.  I am  not suggesting that anybody should advertise their addiction over Twitter, but nobody should feel so ashamed of a sin that they are not willing to be open with those who are absolutely closest to them, and certainly not with their priesthood leaders.

I’ve heard talk lately about how “pornography is even a problem for women these days.”  While this is a step in the right direction, it is still problematic for two reasons.  The first is that women have been struggling with porn for years.  The only difference is that now people are talking about it.  But it is not a new temptation.  The second is the implication that pornography has become so evil and so widespread that even the previously-immune gender is now taking part in it.  As I said earlier, I am willing to concede that women are less sexually driven than men, but is not as if we have a stone fortress built around our cerebral reward system.

My topic has been pornography in the narrow sense- porn you look at.  However, other kinds of pornography can be as addictive while seeming to be more innocent.  The sole purpose of romance novels is to be sexually exciting (if you don’t believe me, read up on some of their ghastly story lines).  Even the magazines placed at eye-level in the grocery stores contain graphic and detailed descriptions of sexual acts.  We should also be careful with how we use our social media- especially SnapChat, which I like to call “Satan’s App of Teenage Sin”.  It can be awfully tempting to send and receive exciting fleeting images that can’t be saved. (And we all know that they actually can be saved).

The difference between visual porn and these other types is that visual porn always involves other people committing sin (the people you are watching).  Also, visual porn often ventures into the extreme and even depraved, ruining a person’s healthy sexual expectations.  Still, anything that is filmed, photographed, drawn, or written that is intended to be sexually erotic or arousing, and even some things that are not intended to be so, can be addictive.  We need to broaden our perspective on what counts as pornography, be wary of it in all of it’s forms, and teach our young people to do the same.  There are many young women who have no interest in visual pornography, but would have a very hard time putting down a book that encourages sexual fantasy.

I have had a lot of male friends confide in me the details of their pornography habits, usually calling it an addiction.  Many of these men have been returned missionaries, active in the church, and absolutely respectful in their actions towards the women in their lives.  As difficult as the struggle is for them, I always knew it would be harder for a girl.  I’m not trying to play a game of one-upping, and I am not saying that it is at all easy to be a man with a porn addiction, but I am asserting that our cultural attitudes toward it complicates a woman’s position in ways that it would not complicate a man’s position.

So what is the solution?  Well, for once, I have some ideas.  Here are some ways we can de-gender the concept of porn addiction:

• Don’t make generalizations about porn users. (ex. they’re perverts, they’re all horny little boys)
• Don’t assume that you know whether or not a person struggles with it.
• In lessons on chastity, acknowledge that nobody is immune.  Do not imply that a woman being addicted to porn would be the exception to an otherwise male issue.
• Teach young women and as well as young men that sexual feelings are normal and healthy in both genders.
• Never dismiss sexual sin in males as being expected or excusable.
• Be open to using females in hypothetical examples or discussions. (ex. “One day Susie was on the internet when she saw a pornographic pop-up.  What should Susie do next?)

Here are some ways we can minimize the effect porn has on our lives:

• Educate our children about their bodies, about sex, and about pornography as early as they are able to understand.
• Generally be honest with ourselves in regards to our vulnerabilities, and set up defenses accordingly.
• Trust our priesthood leaders and be willing to talk to them.
• Strive to be honest with our families.
• Be understanding of those we love who do struggle.
• Educate ourselves.

If you are a young woman, or a young man, or anybody who is struggling with an addiction to pornography in any form, please know that there is hope!  You do not have to overcome this on your own- Christ can help you, because, through his atonement, he has overcome it already.  Your porn habit has already been defeated…the only thing you need to do is attach yourself to Christ so that you can taste of that victory.  I know that this is as hard to do as it is easy to say, but I know it’s true.

And for the rest of us, let’s just try to be a little bit more sensitive with our language and with our assumptions.  We can’t know for sure who is and who is not struggling, but we can make sure that those around us know that we will love them and support them regardless of their sins.  And please, the next time porn comes up, don’t point to the boys automatically, as there may be a shameful and lonely girl in your midst.

 

(*Overly-spelled UT names used in place of actual names.)

Some resources:

Overcoming Pornography (official LDS website)

Combating Pornography (official LDS website)

Fight the New Drug (lots of great educational resources)

By The Light of Grace (the blog of an LDS woman struggling with pornography)

Beggar’s Daughter (the blog of a Christian woman who is a former porn addict)

Dirty Girl Ministries (Christian ministry, specifically for women with porn and other sexual addiction issues)

r/pornfree (Very supportive, anonymous, non-religious community for those trying to quit porn)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Confession and a Celebration: What I’ve Learned in 10 Years as a Mormon Convert

Today, August 21st, 2014 is the ten year anniversary of my baptism, my first covenant with God, and my joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  

Me on the day I was baptized! I don’t look too different, but look at how skinny these elders were! And so much hair on their heads!

I tried to come up with some awesome way to celebrate…and this is what I ended up with.  🙂  My journey these last ten years have not been easy, but it would have been so much harder if I didn’t have the gospel, the Church, and the membership of the Church in my life.  I wanted this to be titled “The 10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years”, but for the sake of quality ideas, we are going to have to leave it at 8.  

After ten years, I still struggle with my faith sometimes.  Honestly, I think I struggle more now than maybe I ever have before.  But I have a rock-solid testimony of the reality of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and I know that there is happiness found in genuine gospel-living.  What follows is a bit of a memoir, a bit of a confession, and a bit of a celebration.  But it is written with a heart that is bursting with gratitude.  

Manuel Arellano- one of my very best friends. I first became interested in the church because I wanted to one day be his Mormon wife. Turns out I wasn’t really his type, but I will love him forever for what he has done for me.

 

 

It is a bad idea to base your sense of self-worth on whether or not you are able to pull off the “good Mormon” image.  I used to be a really, really good Mormon.  Shiny temple recommend, marked up scriptures, a closet full of T-shirts and knee-length shorts, and a testimony that you had better believe got shared every chance I got, first Sunday or not.  I felt very confident in my standing with God, but also very confident in the idea that other people thought I was a first class Mormon.  I’ve always known that I wasn’t the stereotypical perfect Mormon, but I thought that my uniqueness actually contributed to the validity of my testimony and my general awesomeness as a member of the Church.  I have never uttered a word from the pulpit that I did not mean.  My testimony has always been sincere, and it has always been hard work to maintain.  The deepest, most genuine part of me is converted to the Lord Jesus Christ.

When I was 21 I was sent home early from my mission (that is a whole other blog post).  When I was 24, after working very hard for two years, I was told that CES was not interested in hiring me full-time.  The exact same thing happened again at 25.  I’m about to be 27 and am joining the ranks of “old”, unmarried, Mormon women.  These things have stripped me of my confidence that, if nothing else, I am good at being a Mormon.  There are other things that have taken an even greater toll on my confidence, but they are too personal for even me to share with the internet.

I felt like I could no longer sell myself as a five-star Mormon.  I felt more like a three-star Mormon- not bad, but not good, and certainly not special.  And honestly, I am still trying to figure out where exactly I am supposed to get my self-worth from.  It helps me to know that I have almost always been kind, and I have almost always been authentic- those things have to count for something.  All I know on the subject for the time being is that it is a bad idea to base how you feel about yourself on how you think others perceive you.

Me in the institue kitchen during my first year of college with Brother Ray and Sister Turner. That place would be a safe haven for me for the 4 years I studied at UCSB.

God cares about the condition of our hearts.  It is hard to be mortal, and hard to feel far from God.  Some of the pain we experience in life comes from the choices of others, some just comes from living in a fallen world, and some come from our own choices, whether they be unwise or just flat-out sinful.  There are all kind of sins- major sins, “minor” sins, sins of omission, sins of commission, sins we commit with our minds, sins we commit with our bodies, sins we commit with our words. We can even commit sin with our smartphones these days.  You may have heard of something called a “pet sin”- the sin that belongs to us, that we keep around because you’re lonely or scared or bored.  We can sin in our bedrooms, in our kitchen, on our way to work, in our college class, at our boyfriends house, at the store.  It is literally impossible to ever fully escape temptation.

Me standing outside of my very first apartment with my roommates! Garden Court 119! This is the first time I ever lived with members of the church. That apartment was a great place for me to grow and improve.

There have been times when I felt like God was so displeased with me that he actually didn’t like me- times when I have felt like my sins had driven such a wedge between myself and the Lord that I didn’t even see a point in trying to work things out.  I have felt like a hopeless sinner who had messed up just too many times. The good news is that I was blessed with a good bishop who turned around that way of thinking with one simple phrase: “The Lord cares about your heart.”

Our actions, no matter how good they might be, are not what bind us to God.  We can’t save ourselves through good works.  The only thing that saves us is the grace and mercy of Jesus.  And Jesus does not have a checklist of things we need to accomplish before he loves us or is willing to let his atonement work in our lives.  The only thing he needs from us is the sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  “Only the penitent are saved” is a phrase found multiple times in the scriptures.  Notice that it doesn’t say that only those who have never sinned are saved.  It is the penitent.  You could have spent your life paying a perfect tithe, reading your scriptures every day, keeping a 100% home teaching records, and going to the temple every single week.  You could have never lied, never stolen, never cussed, never lost your temper.  You could have received your Young Women’s medallion at the age of 12 and your institute graduation certificate at 19 (which by the way, I actually did).  But still, if you could not be saved if your heart hadn’t humbly sought reconciliation to God. So don’t get caught up on the minutia of mortality- instead, be honest with yourself as you evaluate what direction your heart is looking.  Is it looking to the world, to yourself, or to God.

I can’t believe this is the only picture I could find with me and these kids! Shortly after being baptized, a family in the ward sort of took me in and adopted me. Their oldest child was seven at the time (he would be the one in the striped tie) and their oldest was still a baby (she is the one trying to cross her eyes). I have loved getting to grow up with these kids. They love me for me. 🙂

The scriptures are a powerful way to develop spiritual strength and autonomy.  I love the scriptures.  They have been the backbone of my testimony and my enthusiasm for the gospel.  There was more than one night during my investigation of the church that I stayed up past sunrise studying the scriptures (I had a particular interest in the Doctrine and Covenants).  My parents bought me my first wet up scriptures a few weeks after my baptism.  They had my name printed on them and they were mine, inside and out.  My parents have since bought be two other sets up scriptures- one when I left on my mission and another when I began teaching seminary, but I still feel like that first set is more mine than any other has been or will be.  I don’t use them anymore because it has lost it’s entire cover, along with Genesis 1-4 and part of 1 Corinthians, but they represent a period of my life when I was learning the most profound truths that one could ever learn, and I was learning them straight from the source- from the word of God.

There is a lot I don’t understand about the Holy Ghost, but one thing I know is that when I read the scriptures, he talks.  He helps me see the world for how it really is.  He shows me patterns that enable me to liken the scriptures to my real life.  He confirms that what I am reading is not only true, but that it has been preserved through the will and love of a God who desires that his children understand his nature and his plan.

Here they are, in their tattered glory.

My favorite part of EFY is our daily scripture study- a period of time every morning set aside for the youth (and counselors, if they so choose) to read from their scriptures or other gospel literature.  Each day we would meet together afterwards and invite the youth to share what they had learned.  Usually a handful of kids wanted to share, and it was powerful every single time.  I was able to see their eyes opened to truths about God that motivated them to live better and happier lives- truths that they had been carrying around for years in their scripture cases or pockets and were just now becoming aware of.

Santa Barbara gave me some really great friends. I can tell you all about every single one of them!

I love that, in our church, we are encouraged to know for ourselves throughout our lives.  When I explain my beliefs to someone, I can rely on the word of God, the Holy Ghost, and my own personal experiences.  I don’t have to look to other people for spiritual knowledge or understanding, I only have to look to God.

Me with my very first group of EFY girls. This would be week one of an eventual 17 weeks of EFY.

We should not think of others’ spiritual progress as our own accomplishment.  One day on my mission, I was sitting with my trainer working on some elaborate project designed to persuade one of our investigators to be more committed to prayer and scripture study when, kind of out of nowhere, she said to the affect of, “You know, nothing we do really matters.”  I thought, “Hold up.  You are not seriously saying that we are walking around this frigid prairie looking like nuns just so that nothing we can do really matters.”  (I was in Kansas, it was winter, and my mission had a very strict dress code.) She elaborated with something like this, “We spend so much time planning lessons, scheming on how we are going to get people to church, finding members to go with us who aren’t that weird.  We feel really good about ourselves when we can respond to their concerns with an awesome scripture chain or recent conference talk.  But really, has anyone ever said, ‘I joined the LDS church because my missionaries could recite scriptures really well’ or ‘I got converted when the sisters gave me this awesome colorful calendar dictating what I should be doing when’?  People get converted because they are ready to get converted.  It’s really between them and God.  We just happen to be around when it’s their time to find the truth.”

Please do not take this to mean that I don’t think missionary work is extremely important- I will be singing the praises of the missionaries who taught me until the day I die.  But I do think that we sometimes see other people come to God and chalk it up to our hard work.  This could be an investigator, a less-active member, a seminary student, and EFY participant, a friend, or even a son or daughter.  God uses us to love and lead each other, but our spiritual path is a very personal one that is only walked by two- ourselves and our Savior.  When someone excels spiritually, it’s because of the goodness of God, and not because of the cleverness or devoutness of another. If we ever tie our own sense of accomplishment with the spiritual accomplishment of others, then we really are “trusting in the arm of flesh.”

On the flip side, maybe we can take comfort in understanding that when those who we have stewardship over so not flourish in the gospel, it is not because we have failed.  If we have loved and we have tried, we have succeeded, and God will be aware of that. In life, as in missionary work, no effort is wasted.

One of several General Conference road trips. Standing outside of a building that would eventually become very important to me.

In the MTC, December 2008 or January 2009.

Your friends really, really matter.  I have friends from many walks of life, and with many different habits.  I’m not going to brag about the rebelliousness of my social circle, but I will say that I am close to people who have a variety of illustrious pasts and presents.  If they are honest with me and I enjoy being around them, friendship is not a problem.  That being said, I know that the people we spend time with automatically “pull” us to be more like them.  I recently had a good friend come into town from out of state to visit family.  Upon her arrival, she sent me a text message that read, “Would you want to go to the temple sometime this week?  I’m in town, and it’s my goal to go to the ones in all the are when I’m here.” So we went to the beautiful Gilbert temple, where I had such a wonderful time.  I had been needing to make it to the temple for a while, but to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have gone that week if it wasn’t for her invitation.  Another example is the friend who often sends me one-word texts on Wednesday afternoons: “Institute?”  Sometimes I can go and sometimes I can’t, but it’s good to know that there is always someone who thinks of me and whom I can ride with and sit by.  It makes going to institute easy.

When you have good friends who are active in the church and sincere in their desire to follow Christ, doing the rights things becomes the path of least resistance.  I recently read on reddit (the source of all true enlightenment) that “time+opportunity=sin, even for the best of us.”  If you are hanging out in bars, or going over to “watch a movie” at 10pm with that guy whose standards basically don’t exist, or spending a lot of time with your gossipy girlfriends, you are going to be affected, and if you spend enough time in those situations, you will sin.  I am not trying to use a scare tactic, I am not trying to criminalize anyone, and I am definitely not trying to tell you how to live your life.  What I am telling you is what I have learned for myself by making mistakes and being prideful in my perceived spiritual infallibility.  You will become like the people you surround yourself with.  It is worth actively trying to seek out and fill your life with good people who will make it easy for you to become the person you want to be.

It is worth it to make it to church ever single Sunday.  In these ten years, I have only missed church a handful times.  Only once did I not go because I was sick.  I skipped stake conference once right after I was baptized because I wanted to go shopping with my mom instead.  There may have been about 4 or 5 times that I didn’t go because I was either traveling all day or tied up with my family.  So in ten years, I have gone approximately 98.5% of the time.  I think there have been two Sundays when I was mad at the world and wanted to punish it by not going to church (logical, right?), but just couldn’t stand the thought of not actually showing up so I made it to church late.

 

It might sound like I am bragging, but that may change when I tell you that of those 513 times I’ve been to church, I’ve shown up happy only about 2/3 of the time.  The other 1/3 I didn’t feel like going for a variety of reasons.  I may have felt unimportant and under-utilized.  I may have been depressed over the lack of dating prospects in my ward.  I may have been under a load of stress because of school or work and felt unable to focus on the messages I would be hearing.  I may have felt embarrassed over the way I look (even with a whole morning available to me to do get my face and hair together).  I may have even not wanted to go because I felt like I had nothing to wear, since I don’t like wearing the same outfit to church more than once.  I tend to feel unpresentable at church if I think l my outfit is boring.  When I taught release time seminary during the week and worked in the temple for six hours on Saturdays and was trying to go to institute every week and had an obligation with my calling on Wednesday nights, I became very uninterested in church.  Now, I was extremely invested, personally, socially, and at that time even financially in the Church, but by the time Sunday rolled around, I felt like I had pretty much given more than my fair share and was ready for a day where I could just nap and eat straight from the crock pot.

But I always have managed to drag my ugly, stressed, discouraged, entitled, self-congratulatory and/or unimportant self to church.  I can’t say that I always leave church feeling spiritually full, but I have never once felt like having gone was a waste of time.  Sunday worship has honestly been the thing that has kept my head above water when I have felt like I was drowning either spiritually or emotionally.  On my way home, I am allowed to say to myself, “The gospel is still real, I am still a part of it, people are aware of me, and I am alive.  And even though sometimes I don’t feel spiritually full, sometimes I do.  Sometimes I have those, “Oh THIS is why I needed to come to church today!” experiences.  And they are worth it.

The members of the church are not as good as you think they are… Let me paint the picture:  They met at BYU when he was just home from his mission and she was a freshman.  They have been married for at least a few decades.  He makes enough money that she was/is able to stay home with their children.  Their house is always tidy and well decorated.  Their kids are active in the church, respectful, and easy to get along with.  Oh, and there are at least 5 of them.  Their family is strewn with talents- musical, athletic, artistic, genius.  All of their sons and some of their daughters serve complete and faithful missions.  They all marry in the temple.  I have the bad habit of picking families or individuals in the church and labeling them as the “perfect ones”. Surely, a different breed of Mormon than I.  But when I actually get to know these perfect families, I see that they really are normal.  Maybe their perfect priest of a son is actually a total pothead.  Maybe the wife has been on Prozac, Lexapro, Welbutrin, and Zoloft and still struggles to get out of bed in the morning.  Maybe that prominent church leader, while maintaining excellent rapport with members of the church, is actually short with and cold to his family.  (That pained me even to write).  And maybe, just maybe, if you show up unannounced, there will be laundry on the sofa and last night’s dishes still in the sink.

The idea of the “perfect Mormon” is a cultural illusion.  Yes, there are people who are always happy, there are people who always have a clean and organized house and schedule, and there are families where every member truly loves and is devoted to the gospel.  But every has their demons and their struggles, and I think that by giving them any kind of a label we are actually objectifying them.  Instead of getting to know them, we tell ourselves that we already know who they and what they’re about and we move on.

At the wedding of my dear friends Paul and Kaela in May 2012. Paul is honestly the tied-for-first best thing Utah ever gave me.

The members of the church are actually way better than you think they are.  This is a lesson I find myself relearning all the time.  I am constantly surprised at the amount of love, resilience, and wisdom that exists in my fellow church members.  I could write you a list, pages long, with the names of people who, having once thought that I knew what they were about, surprised me with their ability to bless me and love me in ways that have shown me that Mormons are really amazing and really good people.  I believe that there is no other organization where people are so willing to sacrifice for others.  Now, I am not familiar with every organization in existence, but if there is one where the people are as good as they are here, I want to be a part of it (or at least visit).

 

The only problem is that we are often shy, and assume that others either do not need or do not want what we have to offer them.  Sometime this shyness even comes across as snobbery.  We end up not talking to each other, not knowing each other, not helping each other, and, most sadly, not loving each other.  Stepping our of your comfort zone and getting to know the people you go to church with will have great returns.  You may not become besties with your whole relief society, but I know that someone there has something you need.

A group of EFY counselors I went to the temple with in the summer of 2013. Interesting fact- both of those girls had mission calls at the time this was taken. And both of the boys speak french and that’s just cute. 🙂

As I searched through photos to find the ones I wanted to include, I couldn’t help but feel gratitude rise to the top of my spirit.  Gratitude for the many people have been so kind to me, and who have led me along, sometimes without even realizing it.  I also want to give a shout out to my non-member parents who have supposed me throughout my whole life, and specifically have supported me in the church.  They threw me a party when I was baptized, outfitted me for my mission, supported my crazy plan to move to brand new state and pursue teaching seminary, and they have done all of this without ever raising a word of criticism of the Church or of my activity in it.  And, surely, if there is one person who has taught me about faith, it has been my mother.  And if there is one person who has shown me what God is like, it is my father.

Here’s to ten more years.  God bless anyone who is reading this.  

God is real. 🙂

 

To my twenty-something friends: Can we stop trying to be each other, please?

So I have some stuff going for me. I graduated from a Top 50 college at 22, I went on a mission, I’ve taught seminary as my actual job, I’ve done awesome outreach work through multiple non-profit organizations, and I’m a published author. That’s good, right?

But I’m not married, have no children, no graduate degrees, and really not much professional progress. And that’s bad. Well, at least I feel like it’s bad, and it’s the part I think about.

I’m 26, and all of my friends fall into the early 20’s to mid 30’s range. I’m blessed to know and love the best set of people on the planet. They are awesome and they do awesome things.

But (and you knew this was coming) every time I become aware of some facet of their station in life, I immediately compare myself. If my 24 year old friend just got her Master’s, I feel so far behind. If my 29 year old friend get’s her Master’s, I feel an anxious urgency to hurry up and “do something” so that I can keep pace.

My late teens to early 20’s had a good cadence about them- I left for college at 17, took classes every summer, got my mission call two weeks after my 21st birthday, moved out-of-state two weeks after receiving my Bachelor’s degree. From there, my progress felt like it was slowing, but remained steady. I had made up my mind that I wanted to be a full-time employee for the Church Education System, but after two years of actively pursuing that, I found myself at 24, jobless, hopeless, and driving from Salt Lake to California to move back in with my parents.

My self-confidence took a major blow. I had never been the pretty one, the funny one, or the adventurous one, but I had always, ALWAYS been the smart one. My sense of self-worth came from a good college (since that’s what smart people do), and the post-degree translation of that was to get a good job. Or at least an interesting, respectable job.

Not having a job caused me to feel that my education didn’t matter, and really made me feel like it may as well not have happened. When people ask me if I was in school, I wouldn’t tell them I had finished, I would just tell them no. If they asked me if I was working, I wouldn’t recount any of previous work or explain that I was “between jobs”, I would just tell them no. I expected people to see me as a nobody, because I saw (sometimes still see) myself as a nobody.

My lack of direction and lack of hope became so serious that I began to fantasize about death. I would never kill myself because I don’t want the people who love me to have to carry that weight around for the rest of their lives, but I was hoping to get hit my a bus or stricken with some aggressive terminal illness so that I could still die, but without everyone having to know how miserable I was.

I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you. But I also know that to a lot of you, it doesn’t sound crazy at all. I hope that none of you have ever actually secretly wished for death (if you have, you have my compassion), but I know that I can’t be the only one who feels slowed down, held up, or halted all together.

Maybe you are happily married, but struggling to conceive while well-meaning folks keep asking when you’re going to have a baby. (How long have you been married? 5 years?)

Maybe the marriage you hoped and prayed for came, but then went when some cruel form of “incompatibility” arose. Maybe you are in your seventh year of undergraduate work and still struggling to feel comfortable with school. Maybe you got your “dream job” to discover that whatever your dream was, this isn’t it. Maybe you feel slow socially, wondering why you are not a part of the friend groups you see forming around you. There are a lot of ways to feel behind, and in order to be behind, we have to feel like someone else is ahead.

I’m just trying not to feel too far behind.

I’m a lot happier now (praise God). I had a few tender mercies that got me out of my hell-hole of a state of mind and into a more literal hell (Arizona…and it’s July), which was right where I needed to be. That feeling of progress hasn’t quite come, but my hope-o-meter hovers at around 96%. Right now I am facing 3.5 more years of school to earn my second bachelors degree in Nursing, followed by a 2 years master’s degree. This means I will not be done with school until I am 32. This scares me into not wanting to try at all. Graduating at 32 seems so far behind all of my friends who did things “the right way”.

But I know that there is no “right way” besides the one that is right for us. So many of our concerns in this life involve things not matching up to our preferred time table, or feeling like we ourselves are not matching up to our preferred time table. It’s good to have goals, it’s important to have plans, and I believe it’s essential to our happiness to feel like we are progressing. But the rate and nature of the progression of others has nothing to do with our own.

Comparing ourselves to each other either makes us prideful or makes us spiteful. I propose that we should be patient and joyful. Patient with ourselves and with others in times of struggle. And we should allow ourselves to feel joy over the accomplishments achieved by both others and ourselves.

I am likely preaching to the choir. I have said nothing new, but I have said something important. Even if it’s just important to me.

Go (your own “right” way). Fight (your own battles). Win (at your own life).

Of Illness and Easter

I was really sick two nights ago.  Like, throwing up every half hour all night long sick.  It really hurts when you’ve already lost all of what’s in your stomach but your body still insists on emptying itself for about 6 more hours.  I wouldn’t say it was the sickest I’ve ever been in my whole life, but I think it made the Top 5 list, and could have easily claimed the top spot if it hadn’t been so brief (praise God for that).

I had one violent night of pain, and then one day of exhaustion, dizziness, and dehydration as my body tried putting the pieces back together.  Today is day two, and I would say that I’m at about 80%- I don’t have much of an appetite, but I can eat, and I don’t have a ton of energy, but I can do more than lay in bed.

But today I am in a bit of amazement at how much better I feel after being so depleted yesterday, and so ill the night before that.

Are our bodies not totally amazing?

We break bones…they put themselves back together.  We contract a virus, our immune system fights it off (like, seriously, how does it know to do that?).  We burn ourselves and our skin says, “No big deal, just give me a week and you’ll be good as new.”  My poor digestive system was totally ravaged, but as soon as things calmed down, this tabernacle of clay just patched itself up so that it could go about its merry way.

Now, I know that my illnesses and injuries have been minor, especially compared to the huge physical hurdles dealt to others.  We obviously all have scars from incidents that we weren’t able to perfectly recuperate from, and the perils of mortality will eventually overtake us all.  But even on one’s death-bed, I will marvel at the fortitude and resilience of their body.  Can one not stand in awe at the last pulse of a heart that’s been beating every second for better part of the last century?  And even when seeing a child born still, are their tiny little features not magnificent?

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Jesus Christ was flogged, had nails driven to his hands, wrists, and ankles, was stabbed in the side, and was crucified.  He died.  The physical, emotional, and mental suffering he endured by perfectly executing the atonement was the most violent, abusive, and torturous experience of all eternity.  It left him like this:

I see the healings that happen in our own bodies as a kind of type of what happened to Christ.  His body underwent a healing even more infinite than his ailment.  I join in the nearly mocking tone of 1 Corinthians 15:55 when I ask “Oh death, where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory?”  As we have recently been taught by President Uchtdorf in his April 2014 talk, “Grateful in Any Circumstances”:

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.

How embarrassed, how worthless, how meaningless must both death and the grave felt when this happened:

The man who had endured all the anguish and pain mortality had ever and will ever conjure up stands whole, perfect, and alive.  Now let’s zoom out and look at the bigger picture:

 

Christ rose not just for himself, but for the thief on his right and the thief on his left.  They hung, suffered, and died there together, but because of him, and only him, they will also resurrect, rise, and live together.

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Our bodies are miraculous in the way they can heal themselves, but they are only that way because their creator is miraculous.  The wonderful but minor repairs it does on itself will one day pale in comparison to the glory that shall be revealed in us.

Because of him, every hurt will go away, every cost will be worth it, and every longing of our hearts shall be filled.

Revelation 21:4:

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

As we walk (and sometimes just stumble) through mortality we will encounter pains that will be healed.  We will also encounter pains that will not be.  But, brothers and sisters, through Jesus Christ, all will be made well.

Not just well, but glorious.

I will praise his name forever, and for starters, I am praising it now.

 

 

 

It’s Okay to Not have an Ensign Worthy Life, and Here is Why

Some people have “Ensign Lives” which are made up of “Ensign Experiences”.

ensign experience (n)- one of the many varieties of spiritual phenomena wherein an act of faith is met with an immediate or nearly immediate physical or temporal blessing from God

Examples of Ensign Experiences: You randomly get a check in the mail after making the difficult decision to pay your tithing.  You find your spouse as soon as you decide to devote your life first and foremost to God.  You find an entire family ready to jump in the water because you decided to listen to the Spirit and knock on just one more door.

These make great ensign stories-  they also make great talks and facebook posts.

I don’t have an Ensign Life.  When I was a seminary teacher, I was frequently criticized by both my pupils and my superiors for not sharing enough personal stories.  Well, sorry, I don’t have any of those uplifting, faith affirming stories that people love to feel secured by.  I just don’t.  Most of my suffering has been met with more suffering.  In times of emotional and mental distress, the feeling of God’s distance, not his proximity, has been both prevalent and painful.

I’m not an Ensign Story.

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I’ve been feeling pretty proud of myself lately for establishing a reasonably regular and meaningful scripture study habit.  My lunch break at work was recently extended by 30 minutes, which gives me the perfect amount of time to retrieve my food, eat my food, and study my scriptures (and sometimes even socialize a bit).  I really love being able to read at work. I’m a lot less distracted there than at home, it’s the middle of the day so I’m alert, and, most of all I LOVE it when people ask me what I’m reading.  I have been having the most wonderful experiences with the Book of Mormon.

One day I read the account of the Anti-Nephi-Lehis.  In summary, they were a group of Lamanites who delighted in bloodshed and all manner of iniquity who became converted to Jesus Christ and experienced his wondrous love and mercy.  As part of their repentance and desire to become a changed people, they buried their weapons of war and covenanted to never, under any circumstances, take them up again.

This is all very beautiful and romantic, and as I read, I felt a sense of admiration for these souls as well as a love and gratitude for the Savior of us all.

But these new pacifistic converts are coming under attack.  An army is coming to slay them.  I thought to myself, “There’s no way God is going to let these people die.  How could He?  They are converted!  They are showing so much faith!  God saved Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendego from the fiery furnace.  He tamed the lion in the Den with Daniel!  He parted the Red Sea and delivered an entire nation!  God will do something!  He will strike the army dumb and lame, or cause a great wind to come and sweep them away, or send down a league of angels to fight the battle.  These people are so good, so pure, so devout!  These are the kinds of people who get saved!”

I have read this account several times before, and have pondered and discussed it’s implications on numerous occasions, but I, for some, perhaps divine, reason, saw it with new eyes- eyes that couldn’t see how God would actually let them die.  This is the perfect set up for an Ensign Story.

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I am guilty of looking at different areas of my life and thinking, “this is the perfect set up for an Ensign Story!  I’m faithful, right God?  I’m trying my best, right God?  I’m faithful and I’m trying my best even when I don’t feel like it, right God?  …right?  …God?”

I look around and see what looks like God loving his faithful children.  Sometimes, from these ignorant and prideful eyes, He seems to bless others with so much more than he blesses me with, even though I feel like I give so much more than they do. I’ve suffered and struggled and been faithful through it, so where is my reward?  Where is my awesome compensation that I can use as proof of God’s existence from the pulpit in the next testimony meeting?

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The Anti-Nephi-Lehis stand firm in their faith and fastened to their covenant to not take up arms against their enemies.  As their enemies approach them, they peacefully go out to meet them.  Lying prostrate on the ground before those who wish to kill them, they call on the name of the Lord!

Such humility!  Such preparation for the hand of the Lord to perform a miracle on their behalf!  This is when it’s supposed to happen!  This is the punchline of the Ensign Story!  But wait…

And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them; and we know that they are blessed, for they have gone to dwell with their God. (Alma 22:24)

No angels.  No wall of fire.  No miracle.  They devoted what was left of their short lives to God, and he allowed them to be slain while lying face-down on the dirt with his name on their lips.

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At times I have felt like God has allowed me to be embarrassed, or depressed, or defeated, lying face-down in the dirt with his name on my lips.

Does God not love me?   Does GOD NOT LOVE me?  Sometimes I just don’t understand.  Sometimes things are just not the way they are supposed to be.

The Anti-Nephi-Lehies may have not understood what was happening to them.  They may have been confused.  Maybe they even wondered about God’s allegiance to them in the face of their proven and complete allegiance to him.

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But, brothers and sisters, let us keep reading.  The Lamanites (their attackers) witness what is happening.

Now it came to pass that they threw down their weapons of war, and they would not take them again, for they were stung for for the murdered which they had committed; and they came down even as their brethren, relying on the mercies of those whose arms were lifted to slay them.

And it came to pass that the people of God were joined that day by more than the number who had been slain; and those had been slain were a righteous people; therefor we have no reason to doubt but what they were saved. (Alma 24:25-26)

A miracle did happen.  Others, even their murderers, were brought to a knowledge of the Lord, and thus, were brought to salvation.  This is not the miracle I was expecting.  This is not the divine intervention I was anticipating.

And it’s in verse 27 that we fine the punchline to this non-Ensign story:

…thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people. (Alma 24:27)

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I submit that this is always the punchline to the story of the faithful- God offers salvation, and works according to his own wisdom and his unspeakable love.

You may die a single man or a childless woman.  You may always be poor or in physical pain.  You may always struggle and you may always suffer.  To be candid, this pains me to say.  But I know that salvation can be found in even what seems to be the most dire of circumstances.

I’m not telling you to “have the eternal perspective” and exercise the “faith necessary” in order to imagine away the reality and pain of mortality.  What I am telling you is that God is working for your salvation.  You may not understand the means he is using, and you may go down to your grave not knowing.  But through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, true salvation is available to all.

So let’s not be discouraged if you don’t have an Ensign Life.  Don’t feel inferior if your testimony isn’t teeming with stories of obvious and immediate miracles.  I know that the greatest miracle (and the only miracle that really matters) is the one found in the grace and love of the Lord Jesus Christ- which is ultimate salvation and redemption.

Why I’m Not Standing With the Mormon Women

Today I was invited by a friend to “Like” a group called “Mormon Women Stand” on Facebook.  

“LDS Women who, without hesitation, sustain the Lord’s Prophet, the Family Proclamation as doctrine and our divine role as covenant women for Christ.”

It sounds harmless, right?  Mormon women supporting one another in a effort to defend and build the Lord’s kingdom?  Sign me up!The group’s description of itself is full of inspiring language:

“We love being LDS women and feel that our contributions to church, community, and family are both powerful and valuable.”

“As daughters of God, we understand our critical role in sanctifying marriage and participating in the majesty of bearing and raising children.”

I really appreciate the use of words like “powerful” and “majesty” in regards to women.  I feel that power is something that you have to decide for yourself you are going to have- nobody can give it to you, you just have to take it.

I agree wholeheartedly with every sentiment expressed by this group.  Their message is direct, powerful, and important.

But it is also divisive.

The Ordain Women campaign has received a lot of attention lately, and it seems that the vast majority of LDS women not only disagree with them, but resent them for claiming to represent them when they in fact feel very differently in regards to gender roles and the priesthood.  

Mormon Women Stand is the well-behaved Mormon girl’s response to the ruckus-causing feminists.  They don’t claim it, but they don’t have to.  This group, although it espouses traditional LDS principles, would not have existed even a year ago.

This group is positive, faith-promoting, and well-intentioned.

But it is, still, divisive.

I fear that two camps have formed among the sisters of the church- the priesthood-wanting testimony-lacking feminists and the complacent husband-worshiping housewives.  I stand with everything Mormon Women Stand believes, but I can’t stand with them.  I can’t choose sides. 

Ordain Women started controversy, but Mormon Women Stand started a fight.  It’s a fight I’m not going to be a part of.

And that’s why, this time, I’m not standing with the Mormon Women.

Answering Google’s Questions About the Mormons (and Some of Yours, Too) Part 3

Let’s get to it!

For anyone who hasn’t read Part 1 or Part 2 yet, I use Google’s predictive search tool to find out what people most want to know about the Mormons!  This will be my last installment, but I’ve saved the best for last.  Enjoy!

1. Could a Mormon…

• …be president?  Yes.  I feel like this question is a little bit outdated, don’t you?
• …be the antichrist?  I think…no.  Yeah, no.

2. Does the LDS Church…

• …pay taxes? Sometimes.  It depends on the kind of tax.
• …help with rent?  Sometimes, if there is substantial need from an active, tithe-paying member.
• …have the sword of Laban?  I don’t know and I don’t know anybody who does.

3.  How did Mormonism…

• …start? By God calling Joseph Smith to be a prophet.
• …spread? Mostly through missionary work.

4. Is BYU…

• …a good school? With limited objectivity, yes.
• …a party school?  As someone who attended a regularly ranked top party school in the nation, this made me giggle a little bit.  No, BYU is not a “party school”.  Feel free to ignore lame jokes made by BYUers about the craziness of playing sardines and Apples to Apples on a Saturday night.
• …hard to get into?  Reasonably.

5. Did Joseph Smith…

• …see God?  We believe he did.
• …have multiple wives?  Yes, he had several.
• …drink?  Prior to be the revealing of the Word of Wisdom, I believe the answer is yes.

6. When do LDS…

• …mission presidents get called?  Early each year, one third of all missions have a new president called to preside over them.  They begin their missions in the summer.
• …go to church?   Each Sunday, for three hours.  I’ve been to wards starting as early as 8:30 and as late as 2:30.
• …mission calls arrive? Between a few and several weeks after the mission papers are submitted.

7. Did the Mormon church…

• …begin as a sect? Yes, and isn’t it still a “sect?”
• …donate to Prop 8?  The church did not directly financially contribute to the California Proposition 8 campaign.  However, the Church did officially encourage members to donate of their money, time, and other resources to the cause.  The infrastructure of the church was heavily used in organizing Prop 8 campaigning.
• …church build a mall?  Yes.

8. Do LDS believe…

• …in reincarnation? No.
• …that Jesus is the Son of God?  Yes.
• …in the bible? Yes.

9.  Is the Mormon Prophet…

• …infallible?  No, we believe he is a human and is therefore a sinner.
• …paid?  Not much, but his needs are provided for.  Being the prophet is a position of sacrifice.

10.  How do LDS…

• …pray?  In the name of Jesus Christ, usually with our eyes closed, sometimes on our knees.
• …missionaries learn a language?  Extensive daily training in the Missionary Training Center.  And then?  Trial by fire.
• …celebrate Christmas?  Gloriously!  Trees, gifts, Santa, the typical American Christmas.  However, we also usually include a good amount of religious elements like Christ-centered music, live nativities and a church-wide Christmas devotional.